A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
