I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
