i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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