it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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