I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I think I just sharted jello shots
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