I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
