Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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