I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
