Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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