if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
