I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
