I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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