dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am midnight drunk by noon
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
