Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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