im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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