I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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