I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
