k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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