I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
