Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
