FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
