Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I pour the whiskey from now on
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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