remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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