508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
