then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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