I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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