Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
