Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
