everyone is single if you try hard enough
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
