One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
