I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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