the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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