I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
3pm strippers are depressing
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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