and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
