are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
