I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
