"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
