We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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