how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
