Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
