Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
