I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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