toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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