There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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