Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
