I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
