wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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