you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
