His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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