I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
